The Saturday before this Thanksgiving, Portland will finally host its first Cranksgiving – the food-drive scavenger hunt that started in 1999 in New York City – and this year 29 other cities will also take part. Word on the street is that Portland, ME, who’s already been doing this for two years, snorted contemptuously upon hearing the news of our late arrival. Yes, Maine is laughing at us, friends! But worse than that, Seattle called up this morning just to say “Your ass is grass.” So. Okay. Breathe. We can deal with those east-coast, L.L. Bean-loving, lighthouse-erecting Lobsterpeople in good time – perhaps later this year we can bike over there naked and make them all marionberry pancakes or something – but right now, our northern neighbor Seattle needs to be taught a lesson about which of us two towns can out-heart the other and put on the biggest and best Cranksgiving – so register your team now. And tell all your cousins, too!